I realized today that part of the reason I’m filled with so much hate for France and the reason I get so miserable sometimes is because I’m learning, doing and experiencing so many things, lots of them weird or aggravating or cool or confusing or interesting, and I just don’t have anyone to talk to them about. I like to do the whole critical thinking process. It’s sad, I have to do it by myself. and my feelings just trun to hate and dislike and frustration instead.There is no one to share every bit of every day with had have me help understand or process why the cinema prof likes such terribly made and acted films, or why I just can’t seem to get along with french people, or the fact that the movie we just watched had a scene with a cat being dragged on a leash in the background, or the fact that that movie was totally racist (and really really terrible). OR the fact that the cinema prof just likes to talk about social issues but is not educated about any of them and has a total lack of respect for other cultures and the way they do things and how he always wants to make France sound like the best (most other countries have 1 day of AIV/AIDS awareness! well France as 3!). or how he said no one liked that film just because it wasn’t made in the US, he doesn’t recognize a well made/acted/written film from a TERRIBLE one (BUT YOU’RE THE CINEMA PROFFESOR). 

I wonder how my impression of France and my time here will change after being home for a while and being able to work through more of my feelings and experiences. right now I’m just hateful and bitter, for most of the day (it makes them go really slow). But I’ve got two more days of classes and then I’m off to Barcelona for 4 days!

whenyouthinkhesmoreoveryouthanyouareoverhim. thatswhenitsthehardestandithurtsthemost.whenyouevensuspectthathemaybecompletelyoveryou. hesjustagoodguyandknowsImlonelywithouthim. Ijustwanttogobacktohim.

Yeah, so I’ve been a little lost. I’m not confused by it, or even too torn up about it. I can’t wait till I get back and can become myself and grounded again. But here I know why I’m not grounded. I’m experiencing new things, I’m alone and haven’t met (m)any people I can talk to about anything real. I feel like I’ve lost you and your loyalty. I know I’ve been a little foolish, stupid and lots of other unbecoming traits. but if that’s all it takes for you to forget who I really am and for me to loose you, then I guess I don’t really care that I’ve lost you. 

I’ve been begging for attention lately. I need to work on that. It’s not necessary or satisfying. 

I think it mostly stems from my lack of good conversation here in France. I’m working on it. Things are getting a lot better. It’s just at night, it’s the worst. It’s probably part of why I can’t sleep. 

I can’t wait to move out of this room. It’s absolutely the worst place to live. It’s stark, cold, ugly and just terrible. It makes me feel empty. It’s such a terrible room. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t understand why French buildings are always designed so ugly. I miss my dorm rooms. They were cozy and comfy. This place sucks. it has red, grey, yellow tiles on the floor. The furniture is all square and blocky and gross. ugh. Get me out of here.

My environment is so important to me. This place affects me so terribly. 

I had lunch with one of the American in my french class today. It turned out to be one of the best critical conversations I’ve had in all my time in France. I’ve missed being able to talk openly and honestly and critically about anything. It was really reassuring and great to talk to someone else who actually understands that when I talk critically about something I’m not expressing hate, or whining. I’m assessing and trying to understand. 

This guy is married to a French women and has been here for one month more than me. He’s from Greenville, SC, which is weird… but it was an amazing conversation. Which is weird, it’s one I would consider normal at home. At home I have critical discussions with all my friends. In France people either take offense to my observances and stances on things or take my observations as automatic hate or dislike for something and think I’m complaining or very negative.

He had all the same ideas and assessments as myself. I just don’t know how to express how great this conversation was for my well being. Things I like do to and the ways I relate to people are really hard to come by here and this one reassured me (as I already knew) that I’m not being crazy, too particular, or overly negative and critical. It’s the normal amount that I always am and I like that part of myself. It’s just been really hard to express in France.

I’m rejuvenating myself and getting back on my horse. I worked so hard last semester to make meaningful connections that I failed really hard. I wasn’t myself. I thought I was adapting and having fun, but it turns out I like this version of myself a lot better and if that means it’s even harder to make meaningful connections I’m okay because I have a clear state of mind and a clear idea of who I am and what I want. That’s much more important. 

So I’m starting over, almost literally. I’ve got very few people I talk to on even a weekly basis. Probably about 2 or 3 people. If it stays that way I’m okay. I’ve got myself back. But I don’t think it will stay that way. The 6 month period is supposed to be the hardest period of an experience abroad. Now I’ve gotten past the hard part and I’m in the rebuilding process. I’m ready and refreshed. (my trip to London helped a lot!) 

Stop. I know they are ripped. I’ve had the same ones for months. Do you expect me to stop and buy new ones and change now that you’ve told me my tights have holes in them? 

This is commentary I’ve received from many French men. But only men. They are young and old. It doesn’t matter. Sketchy and classy…it doesn’t matter. and I’ll never understand why they feel I need to know my tights are ripped. 

Stop.  

I was in class today. We read a story and had to conjugate the verbs properly within the story. The story started with a women looking for a job. She applied and was called in for an interview. She was in the top 5. She left her vacation early for the interview. 

She walked into the interview. The interviewers saw that she was pregnant and immediately dismissed her as a possibility. They asked her about her family and discovered she had 3 other children. They told her she could not take care of her children and work at the same time. They told her she must not have thought this through well enough. 

She told them about her previous positions and how all her bosses had liked her and knew she worked hard. The only reason she lost her last job was due to budget cuts. The ignored her.


My classmates then brought up the story itself. Some students said they thought it made sense. Why should a company hire a pregnant women? They would have to pay for her time off soon. Then they brought up how when hiring women there is always the ‘threat’ of pregnancy. So they came to the conclusion that if they owned a business they would try to hire more men too. It’s more ‘cost efficient’.  

Our world is going backwards, not forwards.

Don’t be fooled. France claims to be a feminist country, their only legitimate claim to that is their quotas in politics. Which I find are terrible anyway. It’s a fact in the current systems of government that less women are running than men, but because of the quota about 50% of the positions have to be filled by women even though a smaller percentage of women even run for positions.  So no, France is not a feminist country.